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"It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something."
"I am at two with nature."
"It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."
"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
"If its sanity you are after there is no recipe like laughter."
"Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are, and what they ought to be."
"Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand."
"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is."
Sir Francis Bacon
"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs -- jolted by every pebble in the road."
Henry Ward Beecher
"Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit."
"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you."
"Some people are so dry that you might soak them in a joke for a month and it would not get through their skins."
Henry Ward Beecher
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast."
"Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?"
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."
"Joyfulness keeps the heart and face young. A good laugh makes us better friends with ourselves and everybody around us."
Orison Swett Marden
"He who laughs, lasts."
Mary Pettibone Poole
"With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke."
"We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can."
"A great step toward independence is a good humored stomach."
Lucius Annaeus Seneca
"A good laugh is sunshine in a house."
William Makepeace Thackeray
"Once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall."
"Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister ... and now wish to withdraw that statement."
"Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year."
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce."
"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
"I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back."
Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat."
"A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her."
W C Fields
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
W C Fields
"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."
"Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac."
"The only real diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out."
"An optimist laughs to forget. A pessimist forgets to laugh."
"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
"One of the best things people can have up their sleeve is a funny bone"
"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."