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 "It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something."
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Jack Handey |
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"I am at two with nature."
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Woody Allen |
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"It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."
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Woody Allen |
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"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
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Woody Allen |
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"If its sanity you are after there is no recipe like laughter."
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Henry Elliot |
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"Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are, and what they ought to be."
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William Hazlitt |
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"Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand."
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Mark Twain |
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"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is."
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Sir Francis Bacon |
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"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs -- jolted by every pebble in the road."
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Henry Ward Beecher |
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"Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit."
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Aristotle |
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"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you."
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Will Rogers |
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"Some people are so dry that you might soak them in a joke for a month and it would not get through their skins."
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Henry Ward Beecher |
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"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."
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Jack Handey |
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"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
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Jack Handey |
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"If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast."
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Jack Handey |
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"Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?"
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Jack Handey |
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"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."
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Jack Handey |
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"Joyfulness keeps the heart and face young. A good laugh makes us better friends with ourselves and everybody around us."
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Orison Swett Marden |
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"He who laughs, lasts."
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Mary Pettibone Poole |
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"With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke."
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Will Rogers |
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"We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can."
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Will Rogers |
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"A great step toward independence is a good humored stomach."
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Lucius Annaeus Seneca |
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"A good laugh is sunshine in a house."
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William Makepeace Thackeray |
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"Once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall."
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Eleanor Roosevelt |
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"Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister ... and now wish to withdraw that statement."
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Mark Twain |
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"Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year."
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Victor Borge |
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"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce."
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Mark Twain |
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"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
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Socrates |
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"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
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Groucho Marx |
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"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
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Jimmy Durante |
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"I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back."
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Zsa Zsa Gabor |
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"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat."
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Alex Levine |
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"A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her."
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W C Fields |
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"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
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W C Fields |
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"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."
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George Burns |
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"Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac."
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Unknown |
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"The only real diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out."
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Unknown |
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"An optimist laughs to forget. A pessimist forgets to laugh."
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Unknown |
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"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me."
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Winston Churchill |
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"One of the best things people can have up their sleeve is a funny bone"
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Unknown |
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"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."
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Groucho Marx |
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