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"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
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"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."
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"It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job."
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"Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead."
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"The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together."
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"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."
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"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."
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"The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean."
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"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
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"A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween."
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